i am pretty honest about what bothers me and i’m embarrassed when it’s irrational or full of a gross insecurity that pops up.
but to go and do something after my vulnerabilities are apparent and to make it as bold as this
is really something
i used to think i was worth trying for or putting effort in for
maybe the problem is i still do
i really need to think.
i try really hard to not upset people or start conflict
why is this happening
why did my boyfriend leave me like this & go out to do the thing that causes the most problems for us?
i can’t believe it
there’s no outlet for me
im incredibly alone
i try to distract myself and think things
too much i over think
then i get sick
i don’t want to take xanax again i can’t wake up for work
nothing is making me happy
and sometimes it does but then i am left alone and realize how easy it is for them to leave and not care
“Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl. Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl. For a long time Cool Girl offended me. I used to see men – friends, coworkers, strangers – giddy over these awful pretender women, and I’d want to sit these men down and calmly say: You are not dating a woman, you are dating a woman who has watched too many movies written by socially awkward men who’d like to believe that this kind of woman exists and might kiss them. I’d want to grab the poor guy by his lapels or messenger bag and say: The bitch doesn’t really love chili dogs that much – no one loves chili dogs that much! And the Cool Girls are even more pathetic: They’re not even pretending to be the woman they want to be, they’re pretending to be the woman a man wants them to be. Oh, and if you’re not a Cool Girl, I beg you not to believe that your man doesn’t want the Cool Girl. It may be a slightly different version – maybe he’s a vegetarian, so Cool Girl loves seitan and is great with dogs; or maybe he’s a hipster artist, so Cool Girl is a tattooed, bespectacled nerd who loves comics. There are variations to the window dressing, but believe me, he wants Cool Girl, who is basically the girl who likes every fucking thing he likes and doesn’t ever complain. (How do you know you’re not Cool Girl? Because he says things like: “I like strong women.” If he says that to you, he will at some point fuck someone else. Because “I like strong women” is code for “I hate strong women.”)”— Gillian Flynn, Gone Girl (via markitup)
hm ok but the girls are not pathetic… their actions are a product of living in a skewed culture where men make them feel inferior in these ways thus they try to obtain cool girl status
